


Reliving The Past (Larry)

by squishie



Series: embracethegays oneshots [19]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-25
Updated: 2013-05-25
Packaged: 2017-12-12 21:54:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/816466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishie/pseuds/squishie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry's got a secret - a secret that Louis doesn't know about and it drives him mad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reliving The Past (Larry)

**Author's Note:**

> co-written by soya.  
> (WARNING: MENTIONS OF ABUSE)

They were at Louis’ house on a late Saturday night. Harry was sitting on the sofa, and Louis was straddling his lap. They were in the midst of a heated make out session, their kisses turning sloppy and desperate, their breaths heavy pants as they struggled for breath.

Louis was grinding down in Harry’s lap, making Harry groan and pant into his mouth at the pleasurable feeling. He slid his hands beneath Louis’ shirt, rucking it up so that a thin band of skin was visible. He ran the tip of his fingers smoothly along it, loving how Louis’s back arched into him at the touch.

Louis kissed down his jaw, and Harry moaned when he nipped at the sensitive skin. Louis’ fingers inched down Harry’s torso, feeling the broad muscle of the skin through his thin t-shirt. His fingers stopped at Harry’s waist, teasing the button of Harry’s jeans. Harry tensed all of a sudden, and pushed Louis’s hands away from him. The older boy eyed him, hurt clear on his face.

“No,” Harry said breathlessly.

Louis made a whining sound deep in his throat and reached down for Harry again, pushing for what he wanted. “C’mon Haz, s’been months since we’re together,” he begged, bending his head down again to nip at Harry’s neck. “At least just let me get you off,” he pushed when Harry shook his head again, a bit frantically this time.

“Why won’t you let me touch you? I know you want it.” Louis ground his hips down against Harry’s, their erections both noticeable, but Harry shook his head firmly in denial, trying not to let a moan pass his lips as he struggled to keep Louis’s hands away from his crotch..

“No,” he said again, “I don’t.” His voice was shaky, but Louis didn’t understand. Harry pushed him away again, this time pushing Louis off of his lap and standing up, stumbling a bit as he did.

Louis didn’t understand. It had been weeks, _months_ , and Harry still hadn’t let him touch his cock. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t horny; he was obviously horny too - his cock was always hard against Louis’ - yet he always pushed Louis away, and Louis was growing frustrated.

“Why not?” Louis demanded, his fists clenching in the cushion of the sofa as he groaned in frustration. He was being childish, almost throwing a fit, but he didn’t care. It made no sense to him. “I love you, Harry. You love me, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then why can’t we do this?! Haz, I know you want it too, you can’t lie to me. I see the lust - your eyes - , I can see and feel your boners… You want this just as much as I do!” Louis nearly shouted, gesturing to Harry as he spoke with wild arm movements.

“S’not… I don’t, Lou,” Harry breathed in a barely audible whisper, and if Louis wouldn’t have been so angry, he would’ve noticed the hurt, pained look in Harry’s eyes.

“Baby, it was hard for me just to kiss you and touch you at first. You know that. I trust you and I love you, but please done pressure me to do this,” Harry begged him, biting nervously on his lip and avoiding Louis’ gaze.

Harry was right. It had taken three months just for them to finally kiss, and gradually they took things further, but Harry wasn’t ready for more. Not yet.

“Is it because I’m the first boy you’ve ever been with?” Louis whispered, his voice dropping.

Harry opened his mouth to answer - he wasn’t exactly sure _what_ \- but settled with closing it again and letting his teeth nibble at his bottom lip. He pushed his fringe out of his eyes nervously. “I… In a way, yeh, I guess that could be why, but… I dunno,” he finally said faintly, daring to look up at Louis after a beat.

Louis shuffled off of the couch and stood in front of Harry, hands on his hips and eyebrow furrowed together. “You don’t know? Harry, tell me how many girls you’ve let touch you. How am I any different? I’m your bloody _boyfriend_. I thought you loved me and you were finally accepting your sexuality but if that’s not the case then I don’t know why I’m even trying anymore,” Louis rambled, running a hand through his hair and sighing.

“Louis, it’s not that at all, please,” Harry whispered, his voice cracking a bit.

“Well then tell me, Harry, what the fuck is going on in your head because I don’t know what to do anymore!” Louis bursted, arms flailing up in the air as if to emphasize the meaning of his words. “We’re just going in circles with our relationship now, not making any move forward! I don’t understand!”

Louis was swinging his arms around as he spoke, and when he swung close to Harry he saw the younger boy flinch and cover himself protectively, letting out a wail. Louis immediately stopped, and worry crossed over his features.

“What’s wrong, Haz?” he whispered, stepping closer to Harry but the curly-haired boy backed away.

“You don’t understand,” he hissed, tears brimming his eyes.

Louis’ brow furrowed at the rejection, and he took a step back at the sting. He wasn’t really sure how him confronting Harry about their frozen-in-time relationship had anything to do with Harry’s sudden cold behaviour, but it was suddenly gnawing incessantly at his insides. “Haz? What’s wrong? What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything Louis. Please, can we just not talk about this. Please,” Harry pleaded, his voice growing shaky.

“No, Harry. We need to talk about this because I _don’t_ understand but I really want to,” Louis said sternly, a hint of sympathy in his voice.

Harry gave Louis a pained look, full of deep hurt and sorrow, and Louis got this niggle in the back of his mind that maybe, _maybe_ , this whole thing went much deeper than he thought, judging by Harry’s reaction.

“Harry what’s wrong? Am I making you uncomfortable? Look I’m sorry I’m such a prat. I’m just horny and fuck, I love you so much and I’m so sorry,” Louis rambled, but suddenly there were tears streaking down Harry’s cheek.

“Oh my God, Haz, I didn’t… Christ,” Louis swore, hesitantly stepping forward and wrapping Harry up in a long hug. He felt the younger lad trembling in his hold, sobs shaking his body and choked whimpers tearing from his throat as he tried to suck back in the tears - but to no avail.

Louis rubbed his back comfortingly, trying to soothe his broken Harry. The younger boy continued to cry, his chest heaving with every sob, and it didn’t seem like he could stop.

“Baby, deep breaths. Come on. Breathe. What’s wrong? Pease talk to me,” Louis whispered, pushing him away just a little so that he could wipe the tears off of Harry’s cheeks.

“I c-can’t,” Harry sobbed as his chest heaved with heavy sobs, and Louis’ throat constricted at the heartbroken tone of Harry’s voice. “I can’t. He made me… Made me promise not to tell anyone. I can’t say anything,” Harry gasped, fighting against the sobs to get a sufficient amount of oxygen into his lungs.

“He? Who’s he?” Louis muttered, pulling Harry back against his chest and running his fingers through his curls.

“Well, he… You’re not the first boy I’ve been with, Louis,” Harry said, hesitance clear in his voice.

Harry felt Louis stiffen at his words, and before he could react, Louis was shoving him away harshly, glaring up at Harry, thinking this is what Harry was crying about. Because of the guilt of having lied to him all this time. Louis had forgotten all about Harry’s earlier breakdown, and all he could see was red.

Harry was brought back to reality by a hard slap on the cheek, and he staggered back due to the force behind it. A shaky hand raised itself to touch the reddening flesh as he blinked up at Louis, stunned into silence. Louis just glared right back at him, breathing heavily through his nose. He was furious. He couldn’t believe Harry, /his/ Harry, had so blatantly lied to him for so long. The anger just filled him up to the edge, and he couldn’t hold it in any longer.

So when Harry failed to have any distinct reaction besides the blank look and the sudden silence - on the contrary to what Louis had been expecting from him, he’d expected some more yelling -, and wasn’t greeted by any sobs or running away, he kept going.

“You lied to me!” Louis spat, causing Harry to whimper slightly at the piercing words and reach out for Louis with trembling arms.

“No, no Lou, s’not like that… Let me… _please_!” he sobbed, wincing when Louis slapped his hands away from him.

“Harry, I never expected you to be a liar,” Louis muttered, his bottom lip trembling because somehow it had meant something major to him to be Harry’s first boyfriend. And it turns out that was all a lie. “You’re just a bloody fucking liar,” he whispered harshly, and Harry gasped at the painful stab, knees going all wobbly. This - Louis’s words - were hurting more than any hit ever would. He just wanted Louis to stop, to stop accusing him of things that weren’t true, to stop being mad at him… The hits he could handle, not the words that came with it. So he blurted out the first words that he thought would put a stop to it:

“No, Louis. He hurt me.”

Louis refused to look at Harry’s face, refused to see his begging face, knowing Harry only felt guilty for having let the truth slip. Louis wouldn’t fall for it.

“Like you just hurt me? Did he lie to you?” Louis scoffed mockingly, staring at the wall behind Harry as he crossed his arms. He didn’t even flinch when Harry choked on a broken sob, hand flying up to cover his mouth in disbelief.

“No, Lou, he _hurt_ me, I’m not lying! I swear!” he cried desperately. His chest was aching. Memories were flooding his thoughts again, memories he’d worked so hard to push back, and _that_ , mixed with Louis’s coldness, was unbearable.

Louis’ head snapped his way, his mouth hanging open as he processed Harry’s words. “Someone hurt you? How?” Louis whispered, unable to think of anything more clever to say. He really didn’t understand.

Harry heaved in a shaky breath, a hand pressed to his chest tightly as if the pressure would help in any way to relieve the ache he felt. Harry wasn’t ready for this. Wasn’t ready to relive it all again. Louis stepped forward hesitantly, lifting one hand to press to the back of Harry’s against his chest, and the touch had Harry jumping back slightly, simply by reflex.

“Harry…” Louis whispered, pity clear in his voice as a fresh wave of tears leaked down Harry’s cheeks.

“He… He said he loved me, and then he hit me. And he forced me t-to do things I… Things I didn’t want to do,” Harry sobbed, his words muffled and slurred together. Louis gasped audibly at the words, and Harry staggered back as the floodgates opened.

“He what?!” Louis roared, and Harry was scared. “He /hit/ you?! How… Why? Why didn’t you defend yourself? Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Louis shouted, anger lacing his tone as his arms swung wildly again - something he tended to do when he felt strongly about something. Harry was terrified. What if Louis hit him again?

He remembered that time years ago. He’d watch Steven raise his hand and he’d have only seconds to prepare himself for the hit; for the pain. Now Harry sat here, the memory fresh in his mind, and he couldn’t help but flinch and tense when Louis was reminding him of those days. The anger scared him. He just wanted to run away, but when he ran from Steven it only made things worse.

“I couldn’t,” Harry croaked.

“Why not?!” Louis shouted, failing to notice Harry flinch and wince everytime he raised his voice or his arm swung just a little too close to Harrry. He didn’t mean to sound as agressive as he sounded; he was just pissed that Harry, _his_ Harry, had to go through that. “Don’t you trust me?”

Harry sighed at his boyfriend’s words. He just didn’t understand. “Louis this isn’t about trusting you. I was… He raped me, Louis. Multiple times.”

Louis’ eyes widened at his words, as if the realization was just settling in. As if something in his brain was finally clicking. He opened his mouth a couple of times, trying to speak, but he couldn’t find any words to say. “Please don’t shout at me, Louis. Please,” Harry begged, closing his eyes and biting his lip.

“You- you’re joking, right? This is… You’re bullshitting me, right?” Louis mumbled in disbelief, knowing deep down that Harry wasn’t lying. Harry let out a pained sob at Louis’s words, staggering further back.

“M’not… No, no, Lou, I… It’s not a lie, please!” he begged, heart squeezing painfully in his chest. Louis was the first person he’d ever told about this, and he wasn’t believing him.

“I don’t know what to say…” Louis said, suddenly feeling nauseous. He was such a twat. He had no idea. He should’ve known something was wrong by the way Harry had always been so hesitant, so careful. He should have figured it out. He should have helped Harry instead of making things worse.

He shouldn’t have raised a hand on Harry, most of all.

“Don’t say anything then. Just hold me, please,” Harry muttered, tears streaming down his cheeks as he reached for Louis.

Louis didn’t waste any time lunging for his broken boyfriend and wrapping him close, holding him tightly and leading Harry back to the couch as a new wave of sobs teared through his quivering body. He cradled Harry’s head and tucked it in his chest, protecting him from the memories inside of it. “I’m sorry, Haz. I’m sorry,” he murmured as he rubbed the curly head soothingly.

“It’s not your fault,” Harry wailed, his fingers fisted into Louis’ jumper, holding on for dear life.

“I can’t believe what I did, Harry. I’m so sorry. I love you so much, I didn’t know. I didn’t realize it. I wish I had,” Louis murmured, rocking Harry back and forth gently. “Fuck, I’m an idiot. I _hit_ you, Harry. I understand if you wouldn’t want to be with me.”

“S’okay, don’t… Just don’t yell at me, please,” Harry whispered, and Louis had to strain to hear his voice, which was muffled by his shirt. “Made me scared,” he added, and Louis’ heart dropped to his feet.

“But I hit you-“

“Don’t mind that… I just don’t like you yelling at me,” Harry murmured.

“Harry! I _hit_ you-“

“So did he! It’s fine, really. It’s normal,” Harry said offhandedly, like it was no big deal at all.

Harry just sighed in Louis’ shirt when the elder fell silent, trying to shake off the nagging in the back of his mind that all relationships ended the same - Steven had been right. All relationships were abusive. That’s how they were _supposed_ to be, even if Louis told him otherwise. That’s what Steven had told him so many times; that what he did was _normal_ , that everybody did it. He couldn’t shake off the uneasiness.

Louis was so different though, but there was still that constant worry nagging him. He knew he was fucked up, but it wasn’t his fault. The memories were etched in his brain permanently, and anything could bring them back. Like Louis, his sweet, gentle, caring boyfriend, trying to touch him in a way Steven had. He didn’t want to have to stop Louis when they touched, but he couldn’t go further without that worry easing it’s say into his brain.

“Normal?! Harry what are you going on about?” Louis shouted suddenly as Harry’s words sunk in.

“I… I thought it was normal,” Harry whispered, and Louis felt like throwing up his dinner. “He convinced me it was normal… That everybody did that… It threw me off when you didn’t start hitting me,” Harry breathed.

“Harry, I love you too much to ever hurt you. What he did… That wasn’t love, Harry. You hit people to hurt them. He was a horrible person. In fact, I’d like to know who he is so that I can give him a proper beating myself,” Louis muttered, anger towards the stranger blending amongst his jumble of emotions.

Harry scoffed half-heartedly and trailed his fingertips along the hem of Louis’ shirt, feeling like the soft fabric brought him a bit of comfort.

“Tempting,” he mumbled, “but I don’t want you getting hurt, Lou. He’s _huge_ , and really strong. Couldn’t stop him once he got mad,” he said, voice cracking on the last word and a shudder passing through him as a memory surged up in his mind.

“I bet he couldn’t stop me once I’m angry and get my hands on a shotgun,” Louis muttered, and Harry actually giggled in his arms.

“Louis,” he whispered, his voice serious again, “just stop. That’s not going to happen. I think he left the country anyways.”

“I’d find him,” Louis promised darkly, his grip on Harry unintentionally tightening. “I’d fucking find him.” He was staring straight ahead, fuming.

“Please, Lou,” Harry begged, pulling back a bit and placing one hand on Louis’ cheek, and the older boy relaxed a bit at the touch. “Please, I don’t want you to be violent like him too. I’m okay. I’m fine with you, just us like this.”

“I won’t ever hit you again. Jesus, I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t want to be like him. I’m just me, and I love you to death, and I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I’m not like him at all,” Louis whispered, placing his hand over Harry’s on his cheek. “I just want you to trust me.”

Harry nodded, running his thumb lightly over Louis’ bottom lip. “I know, Lou. I just… It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact you’ve never hit me before and I thought… I thought it was _normal_ , that you were finally comfortable enough with me to… To take the next step and start hitting me. Because that’s how it was with him. He was gentle at first, and then one day it just all changed. That’s how he put it, that violence came after people were comfortable together,” Harry breathed, and Louis had to bite back the urge to break something.

“It’s not normal. Do not let yourself believe it was normal. I hate myself for that. I don’t deserve you after that, but I’m selfish and I love you too much to leave,” Louis whispered, guilt clear in his voice.

“I don’t want you to leave,” Harry murmured, bringing his second hand to Louis’ face and brushing the hair out of his red, swollen eyes. “And I can’t… it’s hard to believe it’s not normal, becase I just _do_ , I just expect it all the time and I can’t help it,” he explained.

“Don’t expect it from me. All you should expect from a boyfriend is love, and kisses, and cuddles, and that’s what I want to give you. I promise I won’t hit you ever again. Don’t expect me to hurt you,” Louis muttered, tears brimming his eyes, “because by doing so, you’re hurting me.”

“But I don’t… I can’t help it, Lou. It’s… It lasted two years, Louis. Two fucking years of him telling me it’s normal, that everybody does it - just not in public - and I bought it. I can’t just forget everything and start new, I tried, and I don’t… I don’t want to hurt you, Lou, but I can’t help it.” Harry broke down again as he explained how his mind worked to Louis, how his / _ucked up_ mind made him see things in a different light - a dark one that wasn’t really pleasant.

“It’s okay, Harry. I’ll be patient. I feel like the worst boyfriend ever for pressuring you, but I promise I’ll wait. We’ll go slow until you’re ready baby,” Louis murmured, stroking Harry’s hair. “I love you so much, you know that right?”

“Yeah,” Harry murmured, tucking his head back against Louis’ chest. “Thank you, Louis. I… I think I need help, though. I won’t be able to do this on my own,” Harry confessed.

“Well you have me,” Louis said calmly, and Harry lifted his head up to look at the older boy. He leaned in hesitantly, then pressed a quick kiss to Louis’ lips. Louis smiled and leaned forward again to peck his nose before adding, “Or we can get you a professional to help you. You could talk to someone.”

Harry considered the thought for a moment as he nibbled on his bottom lip before nodding enthusiastically.

“Yeah, yeah that’d be nice… I want to feel better,” he whispered.”And I really want to have sex with you, but I just can’t. Don’t think it’s got anything to do with you, it’s just… I just know I’d be terrified and couldn’t even enjoy it-“

“I know, shh, I know,” Louis hushed him, leaning down to kiss Harry’s lips again. “You don’t need to explain yourself. I love you.”

“Love you too,” Harry murmured, squeezing Louis’s waist and snuggling closer to the warm, comforting body.

“Want to stay the night?” Louis asked, running his fingers brought Harry’s hair.

“Yes, please.”


End file.
